I have another confession to make . In different areas of my home I have things shoved in drawers, cabinets or shelves. Honestly some of it could be pitched in the trash, but I keep them with the thought that I may someday use them. It became evident that I had learned some of this behaviour or perhaps inherited it from my grandmother. After my grandma passed I visited her apartment . My grandmother had chests full of teddy bears, bills, papers, and other items. Today while reflecting on my visit I realized that I have places in my home that reflect my grandmothers home. In that moment I was not bothered by my inability to organize everything. I have a piece of her etched in my daily life. I will still continue to work on de-cluttering my heart and home. Although now I will remember that I am not alone in my struggles with stuffing things here and there , my grandma was a pack rat as well. With that being said I am more committed to organization . When my time to leave this earth comes I don’t want to leave piles for my family to deal with. We most certainly don’t mind my grandmothers piles she left behind. In fact we cherish them as they are the last pieces of her life while she was living. I wonder if my grandmother felt overwhelmed with her clutter. I am sure she had plans to de-clutter as well and probably did do alot of it in her lifetime.
Today was a very emotional day. My grandma has only been gone for two days now. My brain feels like it’s in a thick fog. Comfort was found in church today through the worship songs , although I cried throughout most of the service. Right now I feel as though my heart is de-cluttering itself through tears! At times I just sit in a daze , not wanting to acknowledge anyone’s presence. Then I realize that I am still a mom, daughter, wife, friend , aunt and child of God. While I know its okay to grieve my grandmothers death , I also have come to grips that I still have many people around me who need my time and love. Since grandmas death her memory has been flashing in my mind. While at church I thought grandma will never go to church again. During my shopping trip I realized that she would never go shopping again. Among the saddest places to realize that she wont ever return to is her home. Inside her home is memories of her life. Each corner of her home was meticulously decorated. Grandmas scent still lingers inside of her abandoned home. Her flowers are still in full bloom. I am blessed to have been able to have her in my life. While I may be grieving at the moment , soon I will be celebrating her life and legacy that she left behind.
Today was a heartbreaking day. I am going to use this space on my blog to de clutter my heart . Instead of a brain dump I’m going to do a heart dump.
Here goes my heart dump………
Each weekend for seven weeks my family and I have made an hour trip , to see my sweet grandma who was hospitalized in the cardiovascular intensive care unit. Rewind seven weeks ago she had a heart-attack and underwent heart surgery . After surgery the surgeon informed the family that parts of her heart were calcified over and unviable. Immediately after surgery the surgeon had to go back into her heart to fix internal bleeding. During my grandmas hospitalization she endured being put on a ventilator and taken off it again twice. The last time they placed it she was unable to be taken off. For weeks she underwent continuous dialysis. Blood draws became routine seemingly every hour there was someone to take blood or do something medically to her. Later the dr placed a tracheotomy in her throat along with the ventilator in hopes of being able to wean her off the vent. A feeding tube was place along with a nasogastric tube . So she had a tube in each nostril. You could see the frustration in her face because of her lack of being able to communicate her desires. Her health constantly took two steps forward one step back. To make a long story short she endured alot during her seven week stay . Fast forward to the visit we made today. Mom and dad went back to her room first. The hospital usually prefers two visitors at a time. A couple of minutes after walking down to see grandma , my mom came into the waiting room. She was very upset. Mom told me that grandma died, but they were able to bring her back. The bad news was that she would die today again. Mom and I walked back to grandmas room. I walked over to grandmas side and held her hand and stroked her hair. In-those moments I told her I love you grandma and thank you for all you have taught me. Seconds after I held her hand and stroked her hair she passed away. Although it was very sad there was a peace in the room. I have no doubt that peace was from Jesus. Weeks before I had mentioned to God that I desired to be there to hold my grandmas hand as she passed away. I did not desire for her to pass, but lying in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere is not living it’s merely existing. I am forever grateful that Jesus orchestrated those moments so that I could be there for my grandma in her final moments here on earth. While I may be grieving , I have joy in my heart knowing she is with Jesus now and not suffering. Please hold your loved ones near , you never know when they will be taken from you. You will never regret spending more time with those you love. I will miss you grandma. Dance with grandpa and Jesus. We will meet again!
I have a confession to make. I have done absolutely nothing to benefit my project today. Laziness and procrastination was the theme of my day . This was not intentional , but it happened. My choices I made for today were not biblical. In fact they were just the opposite. I was not busy at home as the chapter in the bible Titus says to be. If I reap what I sow today as the chapter of Proverbs says it would be very little. I fell way beneath the Proverbs 31 wife standards. I did nothing to prepare the home for my spouse and child for the weekend. As the old saying goes I was a bump on a log. There is no great excuse for my inability to be productive. Today I lacked ambition. Awhile ago a friend of mine gave me a little orange book called Armed and Dangerous. It is a book that covers several topics. At a glance you can find a relevant bible verse without having to search the bible for the topic. One of the verses under ambition says : Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life , to mind your own business and to work with your own hands , just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. 1 Thessalonians 4:11, 12 ( Niv). Today I felt depressed. One of the verses to combat depression is : For the joy of the Lord is your strength . Nehemiah 8 :10 (NIV). I have access to Gods throne 24 hours a day, yet I did not call upon it. 1 Chronicles 16 :34 tells me Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I find great comfort knowing that 1 John 1:9 says If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Romans 8:1 says There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I could spend the evening feeling guilty for my sins or I can repent and accept Gods promises. I choose to accept Gods promises and prayerfully repent. Repentance means you turn from your mistake. So I must turn from my laziness and be self disciplined in my duties at home . My prayer for tomorrow is that I lean on Christ and not on my own strength. Also I pray to hear his voice and listen to the guidance given to me to fulfill my role as a mother , wife and child of God.
As I sit and stare at my numerous piles
I realize they symbolize trials
Each pile represents a slice of my heart
Some slices are more challenging to pull apart
My heart has relied on lies that betrayed my soul
These elements of betrayal must be purged in order for me to be whole
I desire the inside of my home to reflect my heart
Its time for the process to start
Chaos will not longer survive
Peace will flourish and thrive
Today I felt frozen in time.
I was unable to sift through my past grime
As I sit here and reflect
I realize there are shattered pieces of it that wont connect
The hugest factor in this crime
seems to be the wasted time
Time that could be spent kneeling
On my knees claiming my healing
The poem above symbolizes my day . I’m going to be honest with you , I did pray for God to cleanse me of the unwanted memories. He did not forsake me . I chose my thoughts today. I chose to be stuck in time. Each day I have the ability to
choose my thoughts. I chose to focus on negative thoughts instead of positive thoughts. Our minds are battle fields. 2 Corinthians chapter 10 verses 4 and 5 remind us of this :
4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. As a part of my de-cluttering project I choose to work on taking my thoughts captive. I wont always succeed in this endeavour. I cannot rely on myself to maintain a positive thought pattern . I must rely on Jesus . The items in my list below are steps of action I will implement to change my thought patterns:
Daily renewal of my mind through reading the bible, praying and communing with Jesus
Daily writing in a gratitude journal
Focusing on positive thoughts and pushing out negative thoughts
Listen to praise music throughout the day and evening
Focusing on the fact that the battle has already been won!
In day one I stated that I would post day two as well as day one . The purpose is because I started the challenge late! As I was considering different decluttering ideas for my home something came up that I feel is more important to declutter. It is my memories and past. Last night I had a dream related to past events in my life that were not the sunshine happy memories but the kind you would rather forget. Today I found myself periodically going back to these past events. I need to lay these memories down at the foot of the cross. They are not mine to bear. Tonight before I go to sleep I am going to pray and let Jesus cleanse my soul of these memories. I will talk to him about them and listen to what he reveals then I will let them go! I am letting go of these memories so that they may be replaced my present good memories with my family . If you my dear friend are holding onto memories that no longer serve a great purpose in your life, my prayer for you is that you are able to lay them down before the one who died so that you may live . Jesus wants to love and protect you! Lay it down so that your heart will have room for new wonderful memories.